Friday, February 5, 2010

trying to find our purpose

life is a @%$!@^#@$& funny thing, especially for men, we all go through this life trying to find a purpose, and i'm not talking about what the phrase usually means, recently i've gotten a revelation about what this phrase rele means...what happens is ur born u live a dependent childhood, then u gain freedom in your teenage years but ur still once we get to adulthood we relax and stay in this limbo for a lil bit, trying to find out what it is we are "suppose to do with our lives, that is rele what that phrase means, its also where everyone gets confused, its some bull@#$#%! that every one in this world feeds us, even our loving parents, of course i still dont have the answer or i still wouldnt be sitting in my room at 3.15 am typing this !#@@!$, but what im seeing is i could go out and become someone rich and famous have almost everything i wanted in life, or i could work 9-5 everyday for a boss, according to the world this is all doin something with my life, but what i've been thinkin about is i could sit at home and play video games all day, watchin tv, reading books, and that is the same as doin something with my life so where is the line drawn...this is an easy 1 to say but to truly understand is a mess, the line is drawn at God, he is truly all we can and should live for, he is purpose when i die this life will be $!!%!@% over it will all burn, i wont be able to take anything with me except my heart, but even though i know this i still cant !$%!#$@% grasp it, i think of so many different scenarios, and reasons, always asking would that be wrong, would this be harder, dammmmnn it, the bottom line is i wanna be that rich and famous person...because somewhere in my @#%$%ed up mind that is a purpose in this life, i feel if i reach that i will have found my purpose, but then i know, i know, i know what i just said and it always comes to haunt me, even if i had my perfect life my purpose would not be found in it, but in God alone!....why does that mean i cant have it tho?!! is it for that very reason, u see what im getting at here, then we get to the planning tons of ppl plan there lives out and even through the ruff patches some make it through and stick to the plan until its either ripped away from them or they succeed, and i feel terrible for the ones who have been and will be ripped from there plans, the bottom line is idk where i was goin with this post, i just know i've "backslid" , and i hate that term but its truly what i've done, i feel empty , and without purpose, and the worst part is i dont want to do anything about it....maaan ever since it all came crashing down, my heart is still in a thousand #@%!%!#$%^ pieces, i have no feelings for anyone right now, but im not alright and i havent been, somethin snapped, these thoughts come through my mind all day, i just ignore and put on smiles until i actually believe it, until its made real, until it all comes out again, when i say im insane i mean it , when i act insane its cause i've been 2#$%!@%!% to many times in this life, and then there is always the positive side of me that says its all good, u shouldnt even type any of that u'll send wrong messages, u'll feel better by tomorrow, u'll forget about all of this by tomorrow...and now i have nothing to say anymore other then i feel bad for the ppl who read this whole thing not only for how long it is but how bout not punctuation or grammar, but this is what really goes through my head allll the time, and this is just 1 topic dont worry there are plenty more,i cant only pray...God help me and all the other people out there with all of this purpose stuff, and i pray that you would give me wealth and prosperity and everything i want out of this life all while i give you all of me, is that wrong?, idk it feels wrong when i put it together, but God you know your ultimately number 1 in my life no matter what a mess
-peace,love, and amen


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  2. Well I did read the whole thing haha and I know what you mean but at the same time if we sit and wonder and strive to find out what our purpose is I think we miss the whole thing entirely. Although Johnny and I just got married and everything is all happy and all I know I still feel like we are both trying to find where we fit in and where our purpose is. Life is about surprises and not knowing what's going to happen next and I think God is kind of funny in that way. He likes to give us things when we aren't expecting them. So I think you're doing the right thing. Just wait it out and He will show you where you need to go and what you need to be doing. But always just do the things you love and don't compromise. lol I think it was easier for all of us when we were younger because we could just follow where are parents led but now that we are older we have to find where we fit in. I know God has big things in store for all of us and I'm excited to see what they are. I don't know if any of that even made sense haha but i luvvv uuuu as if you were my child haha so be happy

  3. hahaha you would mama jessenia, thanks for putting ur heart in it tho lol