Thursday, February 18, 2010

Flaw #1: Indecisiveness

about a year ago a man of God told me i should write every day about how i feel, he said i should keep a journal, not that it matters that he said that but i always liked writing how i've felt, which under this mask has been way more bad then good, and tonight i wanted to say i finally feel better, but it would be a lie...especially right now as im writing this, this must be one of the worst feelings i've ever had, and rightfully so,why do i give into to these feelings i know in the bible it says dont rely on ur feelings and i've basically lived my life by that, and i still am to this day...maybe thats why i keep a journal so i can spill all these feelings instead of acting on them, but i dont rele know, all i know is i have a huge character flaw...u ready??? i am so indecisive, and greedy,with not only the big things in life but even the little things, a lot of times i know what i what but then i find something else i rele want and i cant decide between the 2, and i never want to compromise but ,get real, u always have to compromise, why cant i have both...well that would be a miracle, well who says miracles never happen, well sure i believe in them, but every time i've asked for one...nothing, are they that hard to come by, i serve the omnipotent God of Israel, and in i can do all things, but it has to be his will...idk i think tonight im gonna seek God as hard as i can,even that im so entirely distracted, not to mention my eyes wont stop watering up, i just hope i cant make it through a hard night at work tomorrow,the crazy thing i keep telling my self im just having a rough week and i'll make it through this but i know lying to myself, i should be fine, i've endured these same feelings for so long, and i should have so much endurance,but i kid u not this hurts as much as the 1st time i felt it, experience only helps so much, and does nothing for the pain, and i keep thinkin and thinkin and thinkin and the only answer i come up with is i dont know, because when ur as indecisive as me, u just dont know?! should i do that? could i do this? should i say that? i wanna dream this. i wanna have this. oh no i dont want that. wait what am i suppose to do? where am i suppose to go? who am i suppose to be with? she's done this, she's done that. so no? or yes? or maybe? this conversation goes on and on right now i just feel indecisive like i mean with my feelings, do i actually feel this way or not?do i even feel what i just blogged about? what do i feel?...hope u enjoyed my 1st flaw, get ready for my second- peace and love

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