Wednesday, August 11, 2010

God's life ,not mine

wow how do i describe this ,everything from day one with this person has been amazing i dont believe it was all void, and it was all just to make me into this new man, because there is another breaking point im gonna have to go through if thats true, i say just get over it just suck it up and do it, but wow she is so past special and our time together is what i always want my life to be like, im sure u have met someone that in ur heart u felt wow i could rele be with this person forever, but this is all beside the point God has done something rediculously amazing through all of this, He broke me and has taught me so much, and just changed me, all i want for my life is Him, and i know with her i'll always have Him because she pushes me 2 the next step, i was just goin on livin life puttin so much other things before God, but my view has radically changed, i have honestly given my life to Him its not mine! like what is this life about whats my purpose is it only to get a job and a wife and a family, sounds good but its empty, and i know this because its all been taken away from me, i have nothin and in that i have found Jesus, and the true reason i am on this earth, sure i still want to give my absolute love to this woman, but i know God is cool with that and i know he made all this happen so we can try it all again in His will , and in His way, and i have the revelation of that, He's also just been teaching me to have total trust in Him and i mean real trust and faith, because honestly He is faithful! and He will never bring me into something that doesnt benefit the kingdom! That He will lead me into something great no matter how bad it looks at 1st...right now i feel rele discouraged about all of this tho, i think its cause i let the devil have a foot hold on me, and idk how to get back to my un doubtful self, but right now i feel like im not getting anywhere specifically with this chick and its effecting how i act and ultimately pushing her farther away, its an attack and im just spending my time in the word! in faith u cannot doubt! or u wont walk on the water, u'll sink like peter did, but other then today i've got the joy of the Lord and know i need more of it and His peace, the bottom line is when we started this whole thing i was broken and not ready but now not much is wrong other then this and just my normal walk with God, i have become such a new person through this i have no fear, i am the person on the floor in worship, i'll dance, i dont care! i've realized with a real real revelation that nothing else matters! there is nothing else in this life more important! and i want more! i cant get enough, and i know i dont need her to be happy but she is the cherry on top i want to give her everything i have , i want to show her a love like she has never seen, that would make me sooooo incredibly happy, and wow i think God might have just fixed me again haha, patience is key and so is absolute faith and trust in God, He is doin somethin so crazy in the both of us, and i know its not all for nothin, no doubts,i dont know whats next and i could say so much more, about everything especially about my life change and how i just cant leave the presence of God, and of how much i wanna share this all with her, and the funny thing is i am hahaha because God is good lol i pray that God would give me visions and dreams 2 just about anything i just wanna get closer and closer, and i wanna be so in tune with what he is doin, i know he is always moving and i want to be in that! im thirsty and hungry! and its so funny i spend so much time seekin and thinkin and then i go to church and the pastors put it all into words for me! thanksgiving in everything is so important even in trials! i should be thankful for every test! even when it hurts so bad God is using it and i should be joyful for His ultimate plan! and i thank u God for all of this cause i wouldnt even be close to where i am right now! ohhh man i can only ask that He will deliver me this most perfectly amazing girls pure heart, because i dont deserve it but its so rare and i need it in my life, please God in Jesus name amen. its God very nature to give, if u only ask! my intentions are only to glorify u God in and with ever aspect of my life im meditating on philippians 4 right now, what a year God has just stirred me up to this point all year, and im at the pinacle right now, i've just gotta get past this and keep going! cause im not satisfied in this right now there is always more to God, i dont wanna settle for less, for just this life, there is so much more in God! there is more for me! and for all who want it! its endless pleasures for all who just seek and ask! peace and love

Monday, July 26, 2010

i cant breathe

my girlfriend just officially broke up with me, so here i am alone again, i dont know what to say or do, my 1st girlfriend ever , i did my share of wrong doing but rele all i did was like her 2 much, which of course leaves me here on this blog from hell, this place where i can just hurt in my depression, i cant believe i wont ever be able to hold her again, she was the 1st girl whose hand i' ever held, her feet were so beautiful, nothin in my entire life has felt more wrong,NOTHING! God i want her so bad, everything reminds me of her, everything! so down i just have nothing left to say my entire life force has been sucked out of me, i could just keep typing and all i feel is hurt with every letter, i dont know how to explain this, i dont know how to handle this i dont know how to get this out, i just want her back, i need her, my God i just wanna cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry but my eyes have cried so much already that i almost cant anymore, they just tear now and hurt so bad , my gosh what a failure, i failed the most beautiful woman on the face of this earth, and my dumb sister and my dumb friends, so quick to judge when they dont even know whats goin on, they should feel bad for tellin me hey u should go for that girl, ahhhhhhh!AASGSSGHEAHHHHHHHHHH!!! WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE TELL ME WHY???!@!!!
there is no reason, this is just a wrong decision, i found her in God, i loved her in God i tried to fix everything in God, i know HE is a part of this! God why cant i just have someone to love, i cant believe even the girl i evetually go out with, doesnt even like me, no girl i like has ever liked me back, life is crazy, i kinda just wanna stop , i cant feel right now, i am totally empty and broken omg i just spent an hour crying on my floor crying out to god, i have no one to hold me not my parents who are sleeping not my friends cause they are all guys, the only girl i'd cry to doesnt want anything to do with me so im rolling around on my floor shaking and crying and drooling oh God help me.....................

Thursday, July 15, 2010

why am i never enough...guess who is back to blog his broken( if u even wanna call it a heart) "heart" wow i didnt see this coming, God set it up so nice it seemed perfect, and i still believe that he didnt just make it happen for no reason, he didnt confirm a bunch of things for the both of us just to make it all come down, i believe in his plan i do, i just hope u see it 2 because u could make a decision that ucould take it all down, and there wont be anything i can do about it because it will be ur choice, choose me, i will always and forever treat u like the princess you are...GOD HELP bye

Thursday, May 6, 2010


just watched my last (basically) in real-time LOST...i am soooooo bummed out....either way it was a bitter sweet episode...and seriously crazy! like just whoaaaa, we are seriously at the end, and im gonna miss 4 episodes, including the series finale! man what a show...i think i might fully hate sawyer now, dang, check out the new profile pic!
4 hours later and i still cant stop thinking about LOST, that was def top 5 craziest episodes ever,i just love how LOST makes u realize that every person,that has or will walk this earth is "suppose" to do something,that destiny is real,that every action has a re-action,and that we all have a specific purpose and gifts to use,just seriously gonna miss u LOST.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010


i really need to blog, because my heart is about to fall out of my chest, but i just dont have enough time to this week, because i'm frickin closing all week! pray for me and bare with me through all of my emo tweets, peace and love

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

March 1st and The Loves of My Life

so i know its technically march 2nd right now, but to me it still feels like march 1st and honestly half this post is gonna be about feb 28th...ahh febuary how u wont be missed mainly a month about love and the opposite sex both of which are things i absolutely love but for almost this entire month i held myself back in some areas and lost control in of today i've lost all control, here is to trying again!, anyway...i cant believe we are so far into 2010 already time seems to be flying by and its of course its scaring me lol, but yea i just have to mention how amazing the weather and moon were on feb 28th, even tho this feb may have been one of the worst months of my life, what a gorgeous day we had in south florida, its was in the low 50s, sun shining, and the night was even crazier cause that moon was as full and beautiful as it gets, i just needed a girl and my day would have been perfect, nothin gets me like a full moon,love it, and honestly the day before that was amazing too, it rained all day and it was def 40 out soooo nice, this has just been one of the best winters in florida that i've ever experienced, and i just had to say all that to praise God and all the beautiful things He has made for us all His majesty,i love that weather so much, i dont know if the world has realized but we are deep within the final season of Lost! that is so epic! i also just found this new show spartacus that me and jo gotta watch, like how i just marathoned entourage...bottom line i love t.v. shows, in other entertainment earlier today i finally got to read DEADPOOL #19 its been so long since i've read a 'pool comic and it was so good ,not that everything else i've been reading hasnt been amazing, i love comic books! not to mention the art work in these books, maybe one of these days i'll send some art in, i love art! and i just got really happy a few minutes ago cause i turned on the daft punk station on pandora and its just been the best music, i just started dancing alone in my room, and i realized i should just be jammin in a european club right now haha i love dance music! and music/singing in general haha! like today at work we went to whole day without music so by the end of the day i was my own personal jukebox lol, and now i just found out that there a bunch of really good international soccer friendlies on this week, on the day that i dont have to work! im so happy i'll be able to see my italia in action! i love soccer so much! talking about italy 2 i miss it so much, but i feel rele attached to here right now, what can i say i love my friends lol and believe it or not i'll be heading back to my country very soon, i just wish i could freeze time back here lol, that doesnt mean i dont absolutely love italia, it's the 2nd love of my life! after my one and only Jesus Christ who is always here for me always working on me always comforting me, always loving me back, teaching me his ways and i love Him above all...and speaking of that if u could pray for my family, whom i love, we are all goin through a really rough time, I think God is workin in all of us, well i think im gonna go play some call of duty, cant forget about how much i love video games haha till next time- peace and love

Sunday, February 28, 2010

I Do Not Exist not safe right now, i am nothin, i am a failure, i am alone, i am broken, i am insane, i'm late for soccer, i wanna cry, i have nothin, i love my friends and family but they just arent enough, i love jesus and i know he gives me his peace and joy but after that i go back to feeling this !@#%#%, i need a girl to love, i need to show love, but i am nothing, i have no future, i am a reject to this world and rightfully so but thats hard enough, i need someone to be here with me, a partner, but as of right now i walk alone, through church ,at work, at home, im alone,whyyyyyyyyyy, and when i walk alone i feel like i dont exist,like no one sees me,like no one would care if i just disappeared ,like im missing my other half, i need a woman that cares about me, f@%!**ing sundays, i have a work meeting today, my last work meeting was on a sunday, and rightfully so on that very same day i felt worse then today, i was rejected, like i am rejected today, i am a reject, and now today i will be goin to another work meeting feeling like i wanna cry my lungs out, i'm grumpy , i am irritable because i am depressed, i feel like i'm gonna just blow up on someone for no reason, or just breakdown,i am a mess, i am not okay, and i am delusional, but one day i will scratch this entire post out because i will be something, with God as my witness and as the master of my life, He will make something out of my life, these attacks from the devil dont have a hold on me, one day even if its all the way in heaven, i will get my reward...right now all i can ask for is just for a women that i can love, to love me amen- peace and love