Depression 101

i guess this is all my damn fault but why, please why does it have to be like this....u know my entire life nothing that i've ever wanted that was so super important has happened for me @#$!%@#%^ NEVER!...the only thing that comes close is italy winning the 06 world cup...but seriously why cant i ever have anything that i want??? i understand God has a timing and purpose for everything,and every little feeling i have, but there is a breaking point, i cant always be let down, everything cant always be goin bad...can it? something has got to give eventually right? i cant wait till im past all this, i want this to be over because i hate my life so far, im in such a dark place right now and its all my fault, i let this happen, why do i pursue depression, my life has been up and down from being complacent with life to depression, i've hit a few highs but none that even come to mind,and it just gets worse.....i dont think im ever gonna let anyone read these blogs after all of this, but i just have to get this out somewhere, today was terrible i cant focus,and im making myself sick,not good at all, i cried like all day, what kind of grown man cries that much effffffff i feel like im 14 all over again...for no reason damn, theres only a few cures and the easiest one never happens, but i sure pray to God it does, im a mess and its all because valentines day has always been a bitch and letting this all out isnt helping at all so im gonna stop now...peace and love