Tuesday, February 16, 2010

On Mute

so i think i have laryngitis which rele sucks, especially today, idk what it is but im a mess on the inside, and i know i've been posting this so much on all of my blogs but its a part of life im goin through right now,it's crazy how u seriously cannot trust your own feelings, but we do it anyway just to satisfy the urge...anywayss i havent been able to frickin speak all day long, not a single word, the only way i got by is by whispering and that sucked, the whole day sucked, tons of ppl asked me tons of questions today and i couldnt answer them, sooooo frustrating, this is like one of the worst patience tests ever, i could only answer to my self in my mind, the bottom line is when u cant talk all u have is you and yourself to talk to, i just had to much thinking time to myself and basically im making my self more crazy,all day i've been thinkin about what i've been posting about recently, thinking to the point of pain, which is not like the new me, very much like the old me tho, like i took a few steps backwards, like i havent cried in who knows how long, but tonight man i'm just a wreck, i just think of it like this tho,i'm just hitting a rough patch right now,slipping so to speak, just imagine never ever even laying down romantically with a girl , for 20 years, it bothers u every now and then, just not having anyone, not having someone all ur life and watchin the ones u want slip by,its gotta be one of the worst feelings ever...wow i just realized that im rele just a broken man, broken so many times, that even the little things chip away at me in big chunks, i mean i know what heart break feels like and for no apparent reason i feel some of it right now...just like i got barley half a heart holding on for dear life, and i wanna just scream but i dont even have a #$@Q%#@! voice to do that! i've been crying out to God this whole day too, just for help and joy, patience and understanding, most of all love, thats what i always used to do and He helps me so much with that, but i always look back and i see the problem still isnt fixed, this probelm i've been dealing with my entire life, this problem i've asked him to fix my whole life, and i dont blame him at all , i know he will answer my prayers eventually, in his time, i just blame myself sometimes for not being strong enough, i'll just say it again i am soooo emotionally unstable, damn this went so sour, sorry again for being sooooo depressing i was thinking about a bunch of other stuff 2 today some more depressing like where is my life goin and what am i doin...and nothin rele fun or happy hahaha so sad but this is the man behind the mask after all lol until my next complete meltdown, peace and love

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