Sunday, February 28, 2010

I Do Not Exist not safe right now, i am nothin, i am a failure, i am alone, i am broken, i am insane, i'm late for soccer, i wanna cry, i have nothin, i love my friends and family but they just arent enough, i love jesus and i know he gives me his peace and joy but after that i go back to feeling this !@#%#%, i need a girl to love, i need to show love, but i am nothing, i have no future, i am a reject to this world and rightfully so but thats hard enough, i need someone to be here with me, a partner, but as of right now i walk alone, through church ,at work, at home, im alone,whyyyyyyyyyy, and when i walk alone i feel like i dont exist,like no one sees me,like no one would care if i just disappeared ,like im missing my other half, i need a woman that cares about me, f@%!**ing sundays, i have a work meeting today, my last work meeting was on a sunday, and rightfully so on that very same day i felt worse then today, i was rejected, like i am rejected today, i am a reject, and now today i will be goin to another work meeting feeling like i wanna cry my lungs out, i'm grumpy , i am irritable because i am depressed, i feel like i'm gonna just blow up on someone for no reason, or just breakdown,i am a mess, i am not okay, and i am delusional, but one day i will scratch this entire post out because i will be something, with God as my witness and as the master of my life, He will make something out of my life, these attacks from the devil dont have a hold on me, one day even if its all the way in heaven, i will get my reward...right now all i can ask for is just for a women that i can love, to love me amen- peace and love

Friday, February 26, 2010

The Responsibility of Twitter Time Travel

I wish I was a time traveler,I'd go back to age 12, and do my life over and avoid all my lunacy

I wish I was a time traveler,I'd go back in time and fix peoples worst mistakes, I wish I was a time traveler so I could save them

I wish I was a time traveler so I could go back to the greatest moments of my life and relive them over and over again

I wish I was a time traveler so I could fast forward past all of the pain in my life

I wish I was a time traveler so I could just freeze time in a an amazing moment or place and just stay in that feeling for as long as i wanted, maybe even forever...

I wish I was a time traveler so I wouldn't have to be here.

It was on this table, it was on this tree, why can't I go back and save us

I wish I was a time traveler so I could go back and fix all the stupid choices I've made...then again maybe I don't...

I wish I was a time traveler so I could just freeze time and just sit...and think,in quiet,alone

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Matteo Petrone: Fragile, Handle With Care

wow where do i start...i feel crazy i wanna write like 10 songs, im listenin to frickin awesome rap music, makes me feel hard...but at the same time i feel terrible, i feel so much right now, tons of different feelings, im going crazy on twitter, and the funny thing this is i just cant help myself ,i dont really want the whole world to know my business, but i have word vomit, i cant stop,i have to get these feelings out somewhere, somehow, other then on here lol, idk why but tonight i feel so hopeless, my confidence doesnt exist, i dont exist, its funny cause earlier today i felt like everything was all good, i was back to my old tricked self, that thinks everything is okay when its not...i am insane, tonight i wished that i could just go back in time to when i was 12 and do my whole life different so i wouldnt end up out of my mind by age 20, but i feel like no matter what i'd do different i'd still end up nuts hahhaha everything happens for a reason...meaning everything that has happened was always gonna happen, i gotta look to the future i gotta change that , i gotta get my head on straight, i figured out a lot tonight tho, like how i have a broken heart, and a broken spirit...both which havent ever been close to being fixed,i've just been broken, ripped apart, lost hope, lost faith, discouraged,too many times, sometimes it lasted for months, it was a day after day kinda thing and it seems to be happening again for a different reason, and im revisiting past pain for no reason which all led me to figure out that im extremely fragile beacuse of all i've been through, and recently 2 more times i have broken even more, it feels like a huge deep wound just opened and i dont know how to treat it, i also figured out 1 other time someone mended my heart and made me feel great...and i was so thankful for that person and there importance in my life, but we never meant to be anything more then that...i feel like this is what i need again right now! i need a fixer...or a solution, or just jesus lol anyway pray for me, i cant get rid of these feelings or of these thoughts they plague me, they destroy me, my work ethic, my life ethic, but yea till next time- peace and love

Monday, February 22, 2010


XXXXXX:whats up with all the sad post lol,whos the girl

Matteo: no girl. thats why im sad, it's rele just my life in general, and how nothin ever goes how i want or plan...i'm taking about the big things, not the little things obviously...i'm just low right now
im goin in, and imma go hard

XXXXXX:whats not going your way

Matteo:lifeeeeee, believe me u dont wanna pick my brain right now,im unstable like more then i've ever been for absoultely noooo reason other then a revelation of being alone allll my lifeeeee
and thats like the cherry on top to just the question we all ask ourselves and that is... what am i even doin with my life

XXXXXX:lol ur not gonna be alone your only 20 but maybe you should just change some of the stuff you do,especially if u wanna meet a girl

Matteo:and im stubborn and i dont think anyone can level with me, i appreciate it really, but its like i dont wanna hear anything...i've got like 100 other things clouding up my head, and i know how to get a girl, if i wanted i could go get like 5 chicks that wanna date me ,but i cant find who i i dont even tho what i want, im a mess, and its better left alone, until something happens or i just end up a dead and alone,idk what im saying sry ,its for me and God to deal with and everyone else just has to put up with my crazy twitter crap hahaha i cant help that stuff

XXXXXX:well its understandable if u havent met a girl that you like its fine. but you got time you shouldnt worry about it that much. you should just work on your life and thing you wanna change and a girl will come along that u will like,make a list of goals that u want to accomplish

Matteo:ha like i havent, those only let me down, i fail at them, i shoot for the frickin starts and then i fail , its like my never ending personality merry go round, except its miserable instead of merry, and i know i shouldnt worry about all the girl stuff that much but for some reason right now i cant stop, i might be feelin pretty attacked haha might be...see i dont even know what i feel anymore

XXXXXX:what are some goals you have

Matteo:none. anymore im stuck in a transitioning phase, like st-stu-stuc-stuck-kkkkk and i cant stop feeling like i'm made for more then this everyday life, my nightmares are of being normal, i dont wanna be like everyone else, i feel like i cant...but i'm walking ha shit-running down that path, and i dont wanna talk about any of this, i'll figure it out, but not without hurting half the time, i gotta go take a shower, dont worry about me just pray for me espescially to stop cursing haha i've been cursing so much to myself lately haha but a lot of this has to do with my love life 2, so enjoy my one liners...maybe i should just be a singer after all cause i make up so much crap when i feel like this lol but ttyl

What a man will feel

wow so what a sunday...well i guess everything started saturday night, after work, i was feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders and while i was driving home i just broke out into so much tears, i couldnt even drive i had to stop and i sat in my car balling like i havent since i was a lil kid, just crying out to God, for at least an hour and a half, and i didnt wanna stop i wanted to just cry the entire night but lucky for me, matt and amy call me up to hang out and so started sunday, these 2 kids were drunk and high so i went to go meet them at wal-mart in ft.pierce around 12.30am because amy wanted to get some fish and a fish tank,but there wasnt any fish there so we went all the way back to psl(to whisky j's) and played a few games of pool and hung out, after all that around 2.30am we went to wal-mart again (but on u.s.1) in search of fish and we had a lot of fun playing with the carts, matt went in the ladies bathroom haha, and we got fish! amy bought 4 fish she named the biggest one after me ,if u know what i mean haha and the 3 other tiny ones matt haha, then around 3.45am we went to amys house to put the fish in there bowl but we ended up just chilling talking and laughing in amys bed, heather came and joined us, it was rele fun, we stayed all the way till 6.00am, then i went home and got up 3 hours later for church....u can imagine the long lazy tired day we had after wards, just went back and napped in amys bed haha and i've been goin ever since and now that it's 1.00am once again and tomorrow is monday with a nice work day from 11-4 i think i'm gonna call it a night...just gotta say God is good, and today i found out something crazy about myself, i'm addicted to feelings, even just being around them, even puttin myself through hell- peace and love

Emo Twitter

I miss my italia, her and Jesus are my only true lovers

I wonder if someone has ever thought about me all day, like I have so many times......nah who would? I don't even exist!...Welcome to my mind : )

I wanna blow your mind

Matteo Petrone = Romantic

I have intuitive aptitude but like everyone who does, I don't know how to use it. Ironic, right?

i hurt.

these children learn from cigarette burns, fast cars, fast women, and cheap drinks...or maybe we dont learn at all

what if i went to sleep and woke up the next day with a different name, different family, different friends, different life, but i'd still be me...would everything ultimately turn out the same?

Spinning (what little I have left, of) my wheels

i cant explain myself right now other then...nothing. i'll say it again, i'm not okay. i gotta fix this...

I'm sprung, how'd she get me?

I've always wished life was more simple, imagine, we all lived on a island with no houses...But I would invent the mattress

Its the weirdest thing the more tired I get,the more horny I get,and Im so tired right now

Sleeping in jeans has to be one of the worst feelings ever

I cannot leave the island

I'm waiting to be ferried onto Homo-Island, where men alone reign

I hate Ft. Pierce!!!!!!!!!

Matteo Petrone's new rule to life, never, ever get your hopes up

If I didn't have jesus livin inside of me,moments like these would be completely different and ppl would hate me

I own the streets of psl at 3 in the morning

I am nocturnal

A dream is a wish your heart makes, when your fast asleep...

I have horns

Matteo Petrone: never without self motive and that's sad


Why do somethings just have to be so difficult...what a mess we adults are...

So much sin, and they love it, and I love them, why can't they see, just them is enough for me

we tried something new ,and ever since, i've been livin a lie, and i'm finally starting to realize how and why

i wish i never went.

yo i should be out clubbin right now! instead im jamin in my room on pandora radio to moar ghosts n'stuff by deadmau5! sooo good!what a jam!i just got really happy,sometimes u just need to turn on some dance music n'just dance,haha i love dance music,not to mention just findin out there are a bunch of awesome soccer games on this week! soccer n' dance music were 100% created by God Himself

wow...March 1st already,will the hell that was February finally be over...probably not,i'll tell u 1 thing about this year already,everyone,should be more then excited about the FIFA World Cup! and the Final Season of Lost!

No need to worry about me ,I'm just such a romantic, all italians really are

Another cold night,spent alone,under an amazingly beautiful full moon,1 of these moons I'll share with someone, but until then goodbye moon,and maybe the next time you come around,i'll finally have someone to enjoy you with

The moon is so crazy beautiful looking right now,reminds me of pandora and of how awesome God is

Its funny how someone elses success brings pain

What a gorgeous day, I could sit outside all day

My left eye cries more then my right

Why didn't I run away when I had the chance

What I think is right, is never right

What was I ever thinking

"I was born with an enormous need for affection, and a terrible need to give it."

This is my favorite weather,it reminds me of milano,and with another full moon tonight,I dont know if today can get any better?

So many dreams,good and bad,too many for my mind to hold,sometimes I wish I never had to wake up

this isn't right, every night i cant fall asleep, because i'm delusional

i do not exist, faithfully exist.

i wanna fly.i wanna show the world that nothing can hold me down,but my confidence is gone,o well,guess it's what got me here in the 1st place

i've never asked for much, i neeeeverrrrrrrr

Has your spirit ever been broken before?...mine has
And it takes so much to mend something so broken espescially when these wounds reopen

Let me get my ticket baby so I can stand in line

This is how I function,right now Im deranged and starvin,just feed me,and after a bit I'll come back to my senses and leave u alone forever
Or you do absolutely nothin and I try to muscle my way through ever ounce of hurt for months

I'm such a sucker, and you don't know how bad it feels

I've never been much of a pyro, but I'm officially playing with fire

I need to leave this !@#@%&! country, and never look back

She's got a hammer, and I've got a glass heart

When it comes to love, I should know better

I just hit my breaking point

Why can't I have love?

And I wanna walk around with you

i shed my skin, only to try again.

Even as broken as I am, I know Your doing this all for me

If I knew what was good for me, I'd run away from this

How did I end up like this

I don't *%$$&?!@! need this!

I am an empath

i feel like i've taken a hallucinogen drug that i cant, for the the life of me, get out of my system

I was weak, and now its time to pay for it

What the hell is wrong with meeeeeee

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Random isht

maybe you should make a list for me, cause i dont know how to feel, or maybe you should stay a mystery cause i've already thrown everything out that doesn't make sense, to find a thousand more things that don't make sense-Copeland/Matteo

i came out of my cage and i've been doin just fine...until my stomach got sick, but its all in my head, cause shes touching his chest now, cause hes taking off her dress now, let me go jealousy, turing a saint into the sea, i guess its just the price i pay, when destiny keeps calling me to open up my eager eyes, cause i'm Mr. Brightside.- The Killers/Matteo's life

No more runnin', says my mind, all this movement has just proved your kisses hard to find, older harmony that I see, friends I once had turn their thoughts away from me, no more runnin', I’ve got to breathe, on back porches with the torch of a firefly lit tree, it's what I hope for,no more runnin', I locked my bones and trapped my feet,I told them I found ‘em a place to be, and stick like candy in your teeth, when you lose your faith in me, no more runnin', says my mind, all this movement has just proved your kisses hard to find...
It's what I hope for, It's what I hope for...
No more runnin'
No more runnin'
No more runnin'
No more runnin'- Animal Collective

(Edited Version)
Lightning strikes inside my chest to keep me up at night, i dream of ways to make you all understand my pain, understand that no one really ever wins in heartbreak warfare, I don't care if we don't sleep at all tonight, we're all gonna get it right, maybe lay our weapons down and find out that it's all a game and that Disappointment has a name, it's heartbreak, Heartbreak Warfare.-John Mayer/Matteo

Friday, February 19, 2010

I've Got The Blues

I've got the blues, and thats a little better then being straight up depressed but not to much, either way i have been singing blues for the past few days,in my car to myself ,just singing my heart out,just making up all kinds of rele amazing songs i guess u could call them, i rele rele rele should have recorded them because they were bits of genius i'll never get back, thats what this pain will get u sometimes, it makes u wanna just sing all ur pain out to the world, makes u wanna make sad sad music, which is most times some of the best music ever, so even tho it hurts like a @$!%%, it definitely would help anyone write a good love song,and it just makes u feel better, at least while ur singing it, damn...the blues, i got the blues coming straight from my soul, crazy- peace and love

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Flaw #4: Stubbornness

ahhhh fianlly i get to fill this one in weelll folks its 7/15/10 and i stubbornness finally got me! so im basically in love with this girl and she is so stubborn 2 but thats beside the point, i let her into my heart and i have a dying need for affection if u cant tell and i could just not be stubborn and let that go away so that she wouldnt feel overwhelmed but instead i totally overwhelmed her and now she hates me boom end of story im gonna go cry my life out of my stomach now ,see stubborn to the end why dont u just keep posting so much crap about ur self up here so everyone can see and feel oh so sorry for u, why am i never enough, c'mon babe comeback to me, i suck and i think i wanna die k bye

Flaw #5: Cowardice

i'm a coward not a fighter, disguised as a lover-This Providence...i am a #@%%^@! pussy and i deserve everything that i go through...because i put myself there in the 1st place because i can't speak up, or do something about it before hand or in while...i'm terrible at taking the spontaneous initiative! i always have to think things threw and make sure i dont mess up cause im so scared of....of what?! and even after thinking through things i mostly dont go through with it anyway because of fear...just so much discourages me, like loosing friends, loosing these feelings...the bottom line is i am so scared of change and i hate change so much that, i'm always scared things are gonna change for the worst from my actions, maybe it's that i'm so lazy i dont want anything to change and become hard for me....i hate the hassle i hate to be in more pain that could have been i scare myself into...not living!!! how can someone live worry about so much all the time in the bible it says not to worry at all, and def not to be afraid , but why cant i just start a fight, maybe i care to much about hurting a person, that a scare myself into not doing anything that would offend them, why cant i be as bold, only in love am i that bold...bold as love...but im not in love right now, im just a scared pussy trying not to mess up a good thing while letting everything i want to rele rele have slip away, right threw my fingers, its all here for the taking right in front of me but i constantly back out....maybe its just all the other factors and complications and problems that send my head for a spin just thinking about them....yea they hold the biggest threat ...therefore i am most afraid of no more running, its what im hoping for, no more running-Animal Collective, i'm a mess, God give me boldness and bless me with your favor! - destroy this flaw of fear, till next time- peace and love

Flaw #3: Addiction

this is my biggest flaw, it honestly defines my entire personality ,i am an addict, addiction basically sums up my life rele quick, every thing i rele like i become addicted to...anything i convince myself i "love" i become addicted to, which i guess can also be a good thing in some ways,but for the most part not really, take video games for instance, or comics or soccer, all of these thing are hobbies that i love ,but i become addicted to them and i try to fill all my time up with them, and thats just so wrong, i should rele only be that in love with God! so i thank God everyday for his forgiveness and mercy ,and that He had my life and my personality planned out before i was even created, because if i wasnt so rooted in the Word, if i didnt obey my parents, i would be such a junkie mess,but as i stand i dont smoke, dont drink, dont do drugs, dont have sex, what i am saying here is i dont do any of those things ,and not because i know i'd get addicted to them ,but because the Word says not to, it wasnt till recently that i realized this addiction problem and now i know if i were to ever pick up any of those things i'd get so addicted, i just know it, so i stay far away from those things, and this problem go so much deeper, i just obsess about things, even with relationships, when i feel something(emotionally) and i say to myself "ooo i like that", then i say i want more ,then i need more and then before u know it im addicted to a @%!^@^$! emotion!, the worst is when i get addicted to something i dont have, like being so addicted to a drug but not being able to get a fix, u will put yourself through anything, any kind of pain to get that fix, u just need it, another terrible thing is when i get so addicted to something, maybe even an idea , i again trick myself into perusing something i think i want , that i think i need but i dont rele at all this is definitely how all my dumb hallucinations start 2,i end up being like i gotta have it, i gotta have it but i dont even fully know what it is, but i dont care, i need it, then i realize i might have messed up and then i hit all kinds of indecision! one of the biggest addictions for me , that i try my best to stay away from, not only being a man, but just in my own personal matteo nature is sex, i havent ever had sex before but i still obsess about it, its one of the things i always think about, im a freak, sex was definitely one of the things i was made for, i have this sexually prone brain, and it constantly messes with me,always participating in course joking, always having unclean thoughts, constantly obsessing about sex, and when ur so addicted to all these girls, and emotions, and sex, that u somehow still refuse to have, it hurts so bad it eats away at ur heart and soul everyday! tonight i really dont find myself in an addictive state of mind ,but rele i know i am, i am desiring so much right now, and its such a killer because i cant have it! what a flaw, what a flaw, till next time-peace and love

Flaw #2: Hallucinations

so 1st off im glad to say im not as sad as i was earlier this week, seems like all of that is kinda starting to wear off, but thats not what this post is about, it's about another one of my flaws ,and it is that i am a hallucinator, if i dont go work for marvel comics or write a book or something it will be a shame because thats all i do with my life, i make up something and i trick myself into making it real and it all feels so real, i trick myself into believing it, most times with out even knowing and the love for it builds and the hype for it builds, and then when it doesnt happen i scream...WHY?!, i constantly set myself up for pain, and even tho i know i do, i still do it, just because i trick myself that much...the bottom line is i subconsciously love these scenarios i subconsciously make, i act like real life is just one big dream world, where this should happen, and that shouldnt, but im just frickin hallucinating, it gets messy in my relationships with people and im 100% sure everyone goes through this same thing, my problem is i just dont learn from it no matter how many times it happens, i get ideas about people and then thats what i begin to think about them, or how i start to feel about them, and then i end up not knowing what is actually real!!! lets say for instance i have a pre-set idea about someone already, but somehow i end up seeing another side of that person, now i have no idea which idea of that person is real or not, so i choose the best one most of the time and fake myself out every time i see them, and its just a big mess, a lot of times i'll just spend a good hour laying down thinking of different senarios that could happen with a person and how they react and how i'd react and then if and maybe when that certain scenario happens it never goes the way i saw it, i plan to much because i worry to much, i never want to get things wrong, and then i end up tricking myself into these plans and saying its all gonna go like this ,its all gonna be ok but most times its not! u know i've never thought of myself as one to have these kinda problems but there is no other word for this other then madness, some where along the way i definitely snapped and now here i am...or was that just something i hallucinated and made myself believed happened??? whoaaaaaa mmmk thats enough for tonight-peace and love

Proverbs of Matteo

My resolve must be better then theirs, my patience stronger.

It's really is all or nothing, isn't it?

Depression = an understatement.

Flaw #1: Indecisiveness

about a year ago a man of God told me i should write every day about how i feel, he said i should keep a journal, not that it matters that he said that but i always liked writing how i've felt, which under this mask has been way more bad then good, and tonight i wanted to say i finally feel better, but it would be a lie...especially right now as im writing this, this must be one of the worst feelings i've ever had, and rightfully so,why do i give into to these feelings i know in the bible it says dont rely on ur feelings and i've basically lived my life by that, and i still am to this day...maybe thats why i keep a journal so i can spill all these feelings instead of acting on them, but i dont rele know, all i know is i have a huge character flaw...u ready??? i am so indecisive, and greedy,with not only the big things in life but even the little things, a lot of times i know what i what but then i find something else i rele want and i cant decide between the 2, and i never want to compromise but ,get real, u always have to compromise, why cant i have both...well that would be a miracle, well who says miracles never happen, well sure i believe in them, but every time i've asked for one...nothing, are they that hard to come by, i serve the omnipotent God of Israel, and in i can do all things, but it has to be his will...idk i think tonight im gonna seek God as hard as i can,even that im so entirely distracted, not to mention my eyes wont stop watering up, i just hope i cant make it through a hard night at work tomorrow,the crazy thing i keep telling my self im just having a rough week and i'll make it through this but i know lying to myself, i should be fine, i've endured these same feelings for so long, and i should have so much endurance,but i kid u not this hurts as much as the 1st time i felt it, experience only helps so much, and does nothing for the pain, and i keep thinkin and thinkin and thinkin and the only answer i come up with is i dont know, because when ur as indecisive as me, u just dont know?! should i do that? could i do this? should i say that? i wanna dream this. i wanna have this. oh no i dont want that. wait what am i suppose to do? where am i suppose to go? who am i suppose to be with? she's done this, she's done that. so no? or yes? or maybe? this conversation goes on and on right now i just feel indecisive like i mean with my feelings, do i actually feel this way or not?do i even feel what i just blogged about? what do i feel?...hope u enjoyed my 1st flaw, get ready for my second- peace and love

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Depression 101

i guess this is all my damn fault but why, please why does it have to be like this....u know my entire life nothing that i've ever wanted that was so super important has happened for me @#$!%@#%^ NEVER!...the only thing that comes close is italy winning the 06 world cup...but seriously why cant i ever have anything that i want??? i understand God has a timing and purpose for everything,and every little feeling i have, but there is a breaking point, i cant always be let down, everything cant always be goin bad...can it? something has got to give eventually right? i cant wait till im past all this, i want this to be over because i hate my life so far, im in such a dark place right now and its all my fault, i let this happen, why do i pursue depression, my life has been up and down from being complacent with life to depression, i've hit a few highs but none that even come to mind,and it just gets worse.....i dont think im ever gonna let anyone read these blogs after all of this, but i just have to get this out somewhere, today was terrible i cant focus,and im making myself sick,not good at all, i cried like all day, what kind of grown man cries that much effffffff i feel like im 14 all over again...for no reason damn, theres only a few cures and the easiest one never happens, but i sure pray to God it does, im a mess and its all because valentines day has always been a bitch and letting this all out isnt helping at all so im gonna stop now...peace and love

Tuesday, February 16, 2010


breast-i-i mean best thread u'll ever read on facebook

that rele brightened my night up a bit 2 haha
never mind terry erased it,and i seriously just lost what little respect i had for terry younger

On Mute

so i think i have laryngitis which rele sucks, especially today, idk what it is but im a mess on the inside, and i know i've been posting this so much on all of my blogs but its a part of life im goin through right now,it's crazy how u seriously cannot trust your own feelings, but we do it anyway just to satisfy the urge...anywayss i havent been able to frickin speak all day long, not a single word, the only way i got by is by whispering and that sucked, the whole day sucked, tons of ppl asked me tons of questions today and i couldnt answer them, sooooo frustrating, this is like one of the worst patience tests ever, i could only answer to my self in my mind, the bottom line is when u cant talk all u have is you and yourself to talk to, i just had to much thinking time to myself and basically im making my self more crazy,all day i've been thinkin about what i've been posting about recently, thinking to the point of pain, which is not like the new me, very much like the old me tho, like i took a few steps backwards, like i havent cried in who knows how long, but tonight man i'm just a wreck, i just think of it like this tho,i'm just hitting a rough patch right now,slipping so to speak, just imagine never ever even laying down romantically with a girl , for 20 years, it bothers u every now and then, just not having anyone, not having someone all ur life and watchin the ones u want slip by,its gotta be one of the worst feelings i just realized that im rele just a broken man, broken so many times, that even the little things chip away at me in big chunks, i mean i know what heart break feels like and for no apparent reason i feel some of it right now...just like i got barley half a heart holding on for dear life, and i wanna just scream but i dont even have a #$@Q%#@! voice to do that! i've been crying out to God this whole day too, just for help and joy, patience and understanding, most of all love, thats what i always used to do and He helps me so much with that, but i always look back and i see the problem still isnt fixed, this probelm i've been dealing with my entire life, this problem i've asked him to fix my whole life, and i dont blame him at all , i know he will answer my prayers eventually, in his time, i just blame myself sometimes for not being strong enough, i'll just say it again i am soooo emotionally unstable, damn this went so sour, sorry again for being sooooo depressing i was thinking about a bunch of other stuff 2 today some more depressing like where is my life goin and what am i doin...and nothin rele fun or happy hahaha so sad but this is the man behind the mask after all lol until my next complete meltdown, peace and love

Monday, February 15, 2010


A few weeks ago I made up this saying, eventually every man wakes up wondering why he is waking up alone, well tonight on valentines night I'm wondering basically the same....why am I goin to bed alone...I hate being like this, right now i can only compare this feeling to the feeling adam had in the garden of eden, when God saw that man was lonely, so he put him to sleep, and took out one of his ribs, and made woman so that man wouldn't be lonely any more...that is the exact feeling i am currently experiencing...God take my rib and give me back the perfect woman.

Valentines Day

so valentines day has come and gone again...and one thing that hit me today and has been hitting me like weeks before this is that i need a girl hahaha this rele doesnt have anything to do with anything that happened today but the idea of valentines day got me thinkin again, i just keep finding my self just longing and longing for these emotions, thats right u heard me right im not talking about sex at all here... usually i could def just say i need a girl because i wanna have sex so bad, but this is completely different lately, all i long for from a girl is comfort, affection, some one to always count on,lately i just cant stand being alone, i just dont wanna be alone anymore i get rele sad, and i straight up am constantly lusting for emotions! i just want someone to hold, some one to tell "i love you" , and to finally have a girl that actually fully loves me back, i dream about what that will be like cause i have never had it, not 1 girl has ever fully loved me, its gotta be the best feeling ever and speaking of things i've never had...i have never hand any of this, never had anyone to cuddle with and feel secure with them in my arms, never and it hurts, it is one of the greatest longings of my heart, and lately i just dont feel like waiting for this anymore , i pretty much need it now, the problem is i cant find THE girl. and i mean of course after all this i still want to get some sexin 2 but seriously what im getting at right here blows sex away! i just gotta pray that God will send me this perfect girl that satisfies all these emotional needs that i have right now haha i know i sound like such a girl right now but, its legit, i cant get these thoughts out of my head, i have become a love/emotion whore and i need it....anyways besides that i went to universal parks today with heather joseph, benny vicky, max joanna , and amy was my valentine! my very 1st real valentine ever! idk if she knew that but she was, and a pretty darn good one at that lol we had a bunch of fun , i went on my 1st roller coaster ever!!! then i ended up goin on a ton more! but the hulk , the mummy, spiderman and this new roller coaster at universal , i think it was called the rocket, where the best rides, especially that last one! spent a lot of money but it was all worth it, went on a couple water rides which was a terrible idea because it was freezing out sooooo in the long run i ended up completely loosing my voice and pretty much getting sick all over again, the main problem was i only got 4 hours of sleep last night then put my body through hell all day lol what a mess haha ,anyway it was a rele successful v-day, and the new universal roller coaster was so sick, in fact it was so crazy that still at this very moment when i sit down i feel like im moving back and forth, wait till i lay down to sleep, im gonna be goin down crazy roller coaster drops in my dreams haha but yea great day , i wish i had my love and i hope u all do to.
peace and love

Friday, February 5, 2010

trying to find our purpose

life is a @%$!@^#@$& funny thing, especially for men, we all go through this life trying to find a purpose, and i'm not talking about what the phrase usually means, recently i've gotten a revelation about what this phrase rele means...what happens is ur born u live a dependent childhood, then u gain freedom in your teenage years but ur still once we get to adulthood we relax and stay in this limbo for a lil bit, trying to find out what it is we are "suppose to do with our lives, that is rele what that phrase means, its also where everyone gets confused, its some bull@#$#%! that every one in this world feeds us, even our loving parents, of course i still dont have the answer or i still wouldnt be sitting in my room at 3.15 am typing this !#@@!$, but what im seeing is i could go out and become someone rich and famous have almost everything i wanted in life, or i could work 9-5 everyday for a boss, according to the world this is all doin something with my life, but what i've been thinkin about is i could sit at home and play video games all day, watchin tv, reading books, and that is the same as doin something with my life so where is the line drawn...this is an easy 1 to say but to truly understand is a mess, the line is drawn at God, he is truly all we can and should live for, he is purpose when i die this life will be $!!%!@% over it will all burn, i wont be able to take anything with me except my heart, but even though i know this i still cant !$%!#$@% grasp it, i think of so many different scenarios, and reasons, always asking would that be wrong, would this be harder, dammmmnn it, the bottom line is i wanna be that rich and famous person...because somewhere in my @#%$%ed up mind that is a purpose in this life, i feel if i reach that i will have found my purpose, but then i know, i know, i know what i just said and it always comes to haunt me, even if i had my perfect life my purpose would not be found in it, but in God alone!....why does that mean i cant have it tho?!! is it for that very reason, u see what im getting at here, then we get to the planning tons of ppl plan there lives out and even through the ruff patches some make it through and stick to the plan until its either ripped away from them or they succeed, and i feel terrible for the ones who have been and will be ripped from there plans, the bottom line is idk where i was goin with this post, i just know i've "backslid" , and i hate that term but its truly what i've done, i feel empty , and without purpose, and the worst part is i dont want to do anything about it....maaan ever since it all came crashing down, my heart is still in a thousand #@%!%!#$%^ pieces, i have no feelings for anyone right now, but im not alright and i havent been, somethin snapped, these thoughts come through my mind all day, i just ignore and put on smiles until i actually believe it, until its made real, until it all comes out again, when i say im insane i mean it , when i act insane its cause i've been 2#$%!@%!% to many times in this life, and then there is always the positive side of me that says its all good, u shouldnt even type any of that u'll send wrong messages, u'll feel better by tomorrow, u'll forget about all of this by tomorrow...and now i have nothing to say anymore other then i feel bad for the ppl who read this whole thing not only for how long it is but how bout not punctuation or grammar, but this is what really goes through my head allll the time, and this is just 1 topic dont worry there are plenty more,i cant only pray...God help me and all the other people out there with all of this purpose stuff, and i pray that you would give me wealth and prosperity and everything i want out of this life all while i give you all of me, is that wrong?, idk it feels wrong when i put it together, but God you know your ultimately number 1 in my life no matter what a mess
-peace,love, and amen